I went to a psychiatrist because I was having
severe problems with my sex life.

The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions,
but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.

Finally he asked,
"Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy...she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was
really getting somewhere and he said,

"Well that's very interesting,
we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen
your girlfriend's face once during sex.
That seems somewhat unusual to me.
How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window!"

Request for a Raise:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

Some Universal Truths
---------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its
full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to
take it too seriously.

7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual is
crazy.

8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
dance.

9. Never lick a steak knife.

10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear
and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings
time.

13. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you
can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that
we are above average drivers.

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is
not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention.
It never fails.)

17. Your friends love you anyway.

18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a
lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals
built the Titanic.

19. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Read more!

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
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"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato, Father
Potato, and their three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest
daughter spoke up.

"Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make".

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in
her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm
getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed,
"Married!... That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Jersey Royal!" .... "A Jersey Royal!" replied Mother
Potato with pride. "Oh, a Jersey Royal is a fine tater, a fine tater
indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter
spoke up. "Mother, I too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" asked Mother Potato, said with conviction.

"I, too, am getting married!"

"And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying a King Edward," beamed the middle daughter.

"A King Edward!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, a King Edward is a
lovely posh tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the
future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother
Potato?...Umm, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as
her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you,
but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement..."All of my lovely
daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you
marrying, youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Des Lynam!"

"Des Lynam?!"..Mother Potato scowls, "But he's just a common tater!"

They said it
1. Brigitte Bardot on the 1998 World Cup, hosted by France:

“It’s a pity to see Paris, the world capital of thinking, devoting so much interest to a game played with feet”.

2. Simon Barnes: “Sport is something that does not matter, but it is performed as if it did. In that contradiction lies its beauty”.

3 Alan Bennett, English dramatist and actor:

“ If you think squash is a competitive activity, try flower arrangement”.

4 George Best, on being named Footballer of the Century: “ It’s a pleasure to be standing up here. It’s a pleasure to be standing up”.

5 Martina Navratilova: “The moment of victory is too short to live for that and that alone”.

Well after spending part of the day outside on a building site and the greater part of it in a very very hot and stuffy portacabin writing a report I finally escaped around 4 ish. Now all I had to do was post an extremely important letter and get proof of posting and I was a free woman. Well I decide to call in the village a couple of miles form the town where I live as my local post office was shut down about 6 months ago (disgusting isn't it) Anyway the village post office is hardly going to be busy on a Friday afternoon is it? It wasn't busy, just one woman at the counter being served. She had with her a HUGE sports bag so I thougt the skinny mare was off to the gym (in this heat)
No she wasn't going to the gym - oh no - she had 31 parcels to weigh, post and recorded delivery was required for each one

I fumed to put it mildly.I was hot, sweaty and tired, I needed fuel in the hire car and there was no bread in the house.

Eventually left post office and went to supermarket where i queued for about 15 minutes for a petrol pump.

At last it is my turnD

But I could not for the life of me find the release button/catch/switch for the fuel cap

I pulled out of the petrol station and parked up and waded though the manual (over 200 pages) looking for the location of this hidden fuel release thingy. But no good I could not find reference to it anywhere. The guage is now in the red of course. With my nerves shredded I approach a friendly looking young chap who is putting his shopping away in the boot of his dormobile and ask for his help. He located it in a couple of minutes (put hand down towards door pocket and feel backwards and it is hidden there). I was so grateful and thanked him profuselyD

Then I did the shopping and then I queued for another eternity in the petrol station finally filling the thirsty car with petrol to the tune of £45.50

So NOW I am going to have a very large glass of red wineD

Just had this by email = a "magic trick" apparently

http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/splitpersonality.wmv

Well I have just finished day 4 of my new job and as yet I haven't met anyone who isn't pleasant, more people came into the office today and introduced themselves and stayed for a chat and a cuppa. After my previous job I have to keep pinching myself to make sure I am still awake and not dreaming the whole scenarioD

Still off the fags - been just over a month now! Still get cravings though - even with a patch on - so I am chewing sugar free gum. Yuk!

New man is phoning every evening to see how new job is going. We are spending the day together on Saturday and we are off to see a film in the evening. Strange how everything happens at once eh? Could have done with new man to get me through trauma of old job while I was still in it!

I am trying to cut down on my eating a bit as all my clothes are tight! It is the obvious knock-on effect from not smoking. The first week I could not stop eating - everything tasted so lovely! I am trying to convince myself to go to a gym 3 times a week - but I am a bit lazy to be honest and not motivated enough just yet. Have enough on with the fags, new job and new man and can't cope with anything else right now

Or is it just my computer? Waiting for pages to load is agonising

Well, all the trains and taxis ran on time so I got to my new office in good time.
Spent a long time going through various procedures and company policies. After lunch I was taken round to meet all the other staff there and they all seemd nice, friendly and smiley :-D

A few hiccups my laptop has the wrong size powerpack lead, the phone turned up but the simcard doesn't arrive until tomorrow!

Managed to get away really early as my head was buzzing full of new information - which now all seems to be jumbled up!

Got a hire car for the first month (must remember it takes petrol), then I get a secondhand car for 12 months and then a new car - oh well as long as it is tidy and goes from A to B...

Well I am off now to have some food as I am starving probably because of all that nervous energy expended today.

After having over a week off since leaving the awful job I can hardly believe that here we go again. It is Sunday night, the night hated by schoolchildren and the majority of working people who know that tomorrow is MONDAY!
New job for me, I feel a little apprehensive, mainly because of the travelling to get there tomorrow is taxi, local train, intercity train, taxi. Well train ticket purchased and taxi number 1 is booked!
Have been told that I will collect my car at the office tomorrow, along with a laptop and phone. There will be a lot to take in no doubt so I had better take notes (specially names 'cos it is sooo embarrassing when you forget.
Have sorted out some smart casual clothes for the day tomorrow - have been told I won't be visiting any building sites tomorrow at least. Still have my rigger boots on standby in the hall with my very (not) sexy hi-visibility trousers!
Well would you believe the awful company's car is still here on my drive? I have had to plead with 2 neighbours to be keyholder as it is apparently being collected tomorrow (each neighbour is out for part of the day grrrr)

Well wish me luck and I will post my first impression here sometime tomorrow.

The Truth about the Creation of Man and Woman
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a
problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,
cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining,
I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the
catch, Lord?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have
to let him believe that I made him first.
It'll be our little secret... You know, woman to woman

Well the prodigal daughter arrived home wearing what looked like army fatigues - in fact I thought it was a soldier at my door! So I took a picture of her in the garden to post on here - but the camera or computer has had a wobbly. The pictures are on the camera - I can see them. I plug the lead into the computer and switch camera to download, activate software (Fujifilm) and the damn thing says there is no power to the camera! New batteries and it is plugged into the mains via its charger - nothing wrong there. Rebooted computer. No go. Deleted software and reinstalled - still nothing - now I am furious with the whole kit and caboodle.
Ah that's better got that off my chest. Any suggestions anyone? All help gratefully accepted.

The man has been on the phone for 2 hours and 12 minutes - and we both talked and laughed and shared a lot. I promised to phone him in the morning - must say I am feeling quite skittish! Having such a good week I must remember to buy some Lotto/Euro millions tickets whilst luck is on my side!
Anyway I am a lot happier than I was a few weeks ago, new man, new job Monday and my daughter is coming home tomorrow for a flying visit!! I got a text message from her with instructions to put the Absolut Vodka (hers) in the fridge as we are celebrating her promotion when she gets home!
Off to Morrisons first thing to buy a fatted calf - well some steak at least!

Well bloggers this is how my first date with the guy from Friends Reunited went. We arranged to meet yesterday at a local place of interest with the intention of seeing the gardens and having afternoon tea. Well we walked and talked so much that we completely missed the afternoon tea! We got on like a house on fire and ended up going to a nice country pub for an evening meal. I finally got home from "afternoon tea" at 10:30pm! His photo on FR did not do him justice, he is quite handsome, with sexy brown eyes mmmm! We have already arranged to meet again on Sunday and I am looking forward to it. He texted me earlier to say he will ring for a chat about 8ish this evening, so I will be opening a nice bottle of red and enjoy the conversation. We have loads in common and share a similar sense of humour. Anyway the upshot is I feel much cheered up - perhaps there is hope for me yet?

Tomorrow is the Summer Solstice - Midsummer, this is one of the 8 pagan days of the year. The longest day and I hope a sunny one for us all too!

Wonder what it holds in store for me?

Well I have had another email from the guy on Friends Reunited, this time he enclosed his phone numbers and said he would not be offended if i witheld my number when calling him! Joked earlier about him being a serial killer - turns out he is heavily into woodworking and today amongst other things he had been chopping down trees - you know - axes 'n' stuff...mmmmm.
Still I will call him tomorrow and I will report back here on any progress positive or otherwise.

Well, I logged on to my hotmail and I had a reply from the guy who emailed me yesterday on Friends Reunited. It was a nice informative and light-hearted email which makes me think he isn't a serial killer! He lives about 40 minutes drive from me and asked me what I was doing with my week off so I replied letting him know I was not too busy to meet for coffee say on Wednesday or Thursday. Wouldn't it be nice if we hit it off? I am not going to get too excited though - just see if we meet and how it goes.

Well mum just phoned and said the guy turned up to view the place with his sister and they were both giving the appearnace of being impressed. Anyway turns out his wife is arriving from Thailand next Sunday and he needs somewhere to live fast (I have met his parents and I would not wish them on anyone!). So I just await a phonecall from him - perhaps he will view all the places in the area at a similar price - won't take long - I could only find 2 last week!
Well I won't think about it anymore till they contact me.

Well mum just phoned and said the guy turned up to view the place with his sister and they were both giving the appearnace of being impressed. Anyway turns out his wife is arriving from Thailand next Sunday and he needs somewhere to live fast (I have met his parents and I would not wish them on anyone!). So I just await a phonecall from him - perhaps he will view all the places in the area at a similar price - won't take long - I could only find 2 last week!
Well I won't think about it anymore till they contact me.

Wow! Moved home last week and dad just rang to say my other house (the one that flooded) is being viewed by one his pal's nephews right now. So fingers crossed - I would love to sell privately, then I cn pass on the saving of not using an agent - a whopping £2100 and throw in all the furniture too.
Hope he rings back soon with some feedback from them......

Well even though I am hols this week I was up and about early. First to drop repeat prescription to Docs surgery for sleeping pills (very mild) because without them I wake up several times a night.
From there to Dentist - check up, scale and polish and no pain other than writing the cheque!
Off to bank to pay credit card bill - very small so not too bad. Then off to B&Q to return unused can of Weathershield - refund £19.99 so that was good.
Got home and rang in electricity meter reading for the house that flooded and was told that a bill for £172.00 will be winging its way to me this week! Still the insurance company will pay this as it was for running the humidifiers and fans for 32 days (32 x 24 hours!).
TOmorrow I have a similarly dull list of things which must be got through - I am writing them down to have the small pleasure of crossing them off once completed.
What else did I do today? Oh read some more of the blogs on here - some are excellent and very amusing or interesting.
Listened to some good stuff on the new digital radio which is a joy to own now there is nothing but football on the telly.
Got an email off a guy on Friends Reunited!! SO have emailed him back and I am awaiting his reply - will keep you posted on this.
Well of to make some tea now but I will be back later!